This is a rant.

I had a really bad day yesterday.

Every Thursday I have rehearsal with my university’s A Cappella club. I love it; it is easily the highlight of my week. On the Saturday preceding this week’s practice the club had hosted a kind of boot camp day where all the members of the club got together to get to know one another and really drill into our musical repertoire. I was forced to miss the boot camp due to work. I was pretty sad, especially since I work on campus and was thus a mere five minute walk away from the club’s activities. Alas, priorities must be made or life would be a mess.

In light of missing this boot camp, I had practiced really hard all week for this rehearsal. I’m actually a section leader for our club’s alto section, so I knew I had to make up for my absence. 

That’s when my day was ruined.

Our section was split up into two parts: a higher “alto 1” and a lower “alto 2”. I was to lead the higher alto 1 section in practicing one of our songs. I was feeling confident because I was sure I knew my part; I had easily put in 2-3 hours of practice on our newest repertoire just that day.

And then I cracked.

I couldn’t remember how one bar of our music went. I tried to get it but my mind was blank. I subsequently couldn’t remember how the rest of the page sounded. I decided to play it on the piano. It turns out my crappy printer had not printed out one line of the musical staff. If you’ve ever played music, you know that missing just one line completely changes the music like as if you begin to speak a different language.

I was kind of really devastated. To make matters worse, one of the alto 1’s I was supposed to help is actually co-president of the club. I felt so nervous around her; I hate to let people down.

But I did. For someone reason, I blurted out that I had heard that the practice on Saturday had only gotten up to the part before I messed up and was thus uncomfortable with the next part. I don’t even know why I said that… Well actually, I’m quite sure I said that because I didn’t want to say “I’m sorry, I went over this but I still can’t do it.”

My self-esteem has been severely damaged. On my walk home from A Cappella I could only think of how badly I was handling my so-called executive position. I really felt inadequate. I really hate feeling inadequate… This isn’t even my first time as a section leader. I was a section leader last term, too. My fellow alto section leader is amazing. She takes control and has such a powerful personality! I want to learn from her and do as well as she does, but I just feel like I’m really useless right now.

And now I’m just publicly wallowing in shame because writing stuff makes me feel better about life and I haven’t posted anything on this blog for awhile. My posts usually have more intellectual value, but I guess it’s okay to rant once in a while.

I’m not looking for sympathy. I just want to use this blog as a medium to express myself.

I will do better next week.

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